this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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