I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
only if we run a train.
done.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
