Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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