did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
