Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
