I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i now understand why vodka
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
