I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
