is your mom at the bar?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
