My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
