I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
