May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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