i barfeds in our rink
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i drank out of a bidet.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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