I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
