Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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