saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
