Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
