WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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