What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
