awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
