I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
