Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
