420 ftw
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
