Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
