i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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