I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize