my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
