im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
