I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
