I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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