dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
