I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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