After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize