Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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