I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
