YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
