low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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