i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize