why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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