There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
