I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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