True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
