Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
