I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
