I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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