it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
