If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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