I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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