Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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