The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
