vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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