forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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