so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I FOUND THE LEGS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
