Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
