Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
