I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
why is half of my head shaved?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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