Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
