I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
