How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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