I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize