What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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