Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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