Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
