He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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