Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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