He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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