Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
