"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
