you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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