i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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